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Stepping out…

I want to step out resolutely; with purpose & determination, sure of where I am going and be the person who keeps going through adversity to reach the destination but some days I can barely lift my head from under the pillow to get up, worn down by the burden of life and struggling to read the partial map I seem to posses.

2015 04p1Frustrated…

I long to know where I am going but instead I seem to have travelled to the edge of the torn page and every road I’ve tried at this point seems to send me back to the same place. I feel terribly frustrated, constantly exhausted and increasingly angry with the situation I find myself in. I am running out of options and reluctantly coming to the conclusion that I have to sit tight, rest a while & enjoy the view. This is hard when I felt that I had done that in January & February.

Decision making has always been hard for me. I spend an inordinate amount of time, weighing up the options, frittering the joy of beginning whilst deliberating the merits of which route to choose. I think it’s because I am afraid to make the wrong decision; afraid of making a mistake, anxious not to embark on an irrevocable path and then discover it is the wrong one. I dread to think how much time I have wasted over the years making decisions that take most people a fraction of the time.

I believe that God calls us all to restoration. After all, He & His Son, (carpenter & healer in life, Saviour in death) are in the restoration business together…that of restoring people to God and of restoring broken lives to wholeness.

This is the restoration of forgiveness; God’s forgiveness of us, through the death & resurrection of Jesus, and in response, our forgiveness of others.

Restoration is not about making things as they once were.

I am in the throes of “overhaul”.

…and it is the decision that moving house; ( combining a house that has space for a garden studio, rather than renting), may be an option that God wants us to consider right now, that has led me to this…

In December I felt as if I was drowning in the accumulated “stuff” of a lifetime, and I began to try to sift and sort. I soon realised that this was not going to be a quick fix and indecision began to paralyse my resolve. Twenty two years of living in the same place, with 3 children and several connected career changes means you collect a lot of “stuff”, especially if you are an artist educator magpie saving all things that might come in useful…

Swathes of grey seem to have enveloped me over the last month, as the lightness of summer faded into autumn, leaving behind a wake of drab, dreary days and I have struggled to drag myself from the negativity that seems to bring. Normally, I love autumn and its steady heralding of blazing, fiery colours, so this has come as a surprise for me.

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