I confess that I’m not very good at looking after myself. I listen to my body….and often know what it needs, and then ignore its quiet whisperings, as I try to squeeze even more out of its finite resources.
When my body aches with anxiety, I often push through the feeling, berating myself for not being able to cope. When I’m exhausted after a busy week, I will numb the sensation by watching a movie or scrolling on social media far too late into the evening, persuading myself that I’m resting instead of simply taking myself off to bed for an early night. When a new project comes up that sounds really interesting, I often say yes, before asking whether it fits sensibly into my current schedule without overstretching my resources.
I don’t really know why I so often self-sabotage my own wellbeing, until my poor body protests so loudly, that I have no choice but to stop- usually because I’ve pushed it too far and end up being ill…. but then after some rest- and starting to feel better, off I go again, gradually winding myself up like a coiled spring until…. snap…and repeat…
I’ve been doing this for so long now, I think that it has become a habit…so much so, that my body and mind just don’t seem to be able to fully switch off anymore…and I’m not really sure how to reset…After being poorly for almost two weeks recently, and prior to that, being unable to motivate myself to even do the things I love due to lack of energy or stamina, it feels as if I’m being called to walk a path that I’m not accustomed to walking… a different, quieter way, rather than the busy highway I have frequented for so long. Yes, I gain strength for the busy times by withdrawing for short times… I’ve done this for a long time… but this feels different…
I had to write an application form last month. It has been a very long time since I’ve needed to do that, as I’ve been fortunate enough that almost all the work, I’ve had over the last 4 years has come to me. I tell you this because as I was looking back at all the projects I have led since I started Harlequin Arts 18 years ago, I became a little overwhelmed, exhausted thinking of the amount of work I had invested in delivering those sessions… and began to realise why I am SO weary…
I think I’m being asked to step out of what has been the norm for me, of delivering and facilitating and providing. My mind is full. I’ve been struggling to find space in my head to catch the wisps of ideas that float around me, frustrated that my usual ability to connect with God through creativity and writing seem to have hibernated, unreachable except for short glimpses that elude being captured.
It feels as if I need a sabbatical…an extended time to walk a quieter, less travelled path…to build up my strength, to rest, recuperate from life itself.
So, I will enjoy the lovely projects this year I am already committed to, taking time to listen to God as I prepare, but I’m not going to take on anything else, I think.
I need a quieter way for a while, so gradually this year, the path I’m walking I believe, will wend its way in a different direction. I hope that I will recognise the Masters footprints, and follow the path to which he beckons me… it’s not going to happen straightaway, but sometime soon…through summer and likely into the autumn, when I’m planning to follow a more secluded path which I can glimpse through the trees… time to amble and enjoy the quiet whisper of the seasons, and like the autumn leaves, let go of ways that have served me well, breathe more deeply, and prepare, perhaps for a new season…..
